Dear Tim Peake

Dear Tim Peake,

this is a letter for you from me. Welcome back to planet Earth. I’m so happy you landed safely without smashing your space capsule into pieces against the floor. Very good.

My name is Lalla, I am a silly little girl who loves you very much, but my friend Guilner loves you even more and wants to become an astronaut. The problem is he doesn’t speak Russian. I’ve read that learning Russian was your toughest task and you even went to live in a russian family in Moscow to learn the language. How was it? Did you feel like inside a James Bond movie?  I had a russian builder decorating my flat recently. He came with another guy and the two together were talking Russian. That made me raise my eyebrow almost immediately. My face turned into a Spock-serious illogical face and a dramatic background music suddenly fell into the scene to emphasize the dramatic moment occurring in that dramatic scene. Why were they talking Russian? Were they astronauts? or maybe russian spies pretending to be astronauts pretending to be builders? I could not stop myself, I had to ask them. Unfortunately they could not understand me. I don’t speak Russian. The mystery is unsolved.

So, how is planet earth after space?  The transition must be hard, everything must look so tiny now for you compared to the immensity of the universe. Perhaps wearing some magnifying glasses would help to ease the after-space shock,  at least for the first period. I  freaked out reading about the size of the universe. Here’s my logical space analysis: mars and milky way are not just chocolates. Mars is also a planet. Milky way is also a galaxy that contains the solar system. Its diameter is about 120,000 light years. A light year is about 9 trillion kilometers. One trillion is about this much: 1,000,000,000,000. So if you multiply that times  120,000  you get a ridiculous number impossible to say because it is too long. This Milky Way Galaxy sounds huge but it is only one small portion of the remaining  200 billions galaxies possibly existing in the universe. Now we understand why the scientist cut the calculations short by saying: the universe is infinite full stop. No more questions are allowed.  Our mission to measure the size of the universe is also undermined by another fact. Studies suggest that the universe is expanding, so all the calculations you have made today might be completely different tomorrow, sorry. Maybe we should abandon the ambition of measuring the universe and perhaps take on something more practical like stamp collection or painting. What do you think Tim? maybe we can discuss further face to face, let’s go for a drink, let me know when you are available.

One more thing. I am worried about your health. Was the ICC quarantine regulation applied before entering planet Earth? you know, the 24 hours procedure for decontamination. I’m not being paranoiac, although  you look ok  you might be infected and suddenly an alien creature might burst from your chest. You think this is just a movie reference? it is a real threat be careful, especially after meals.  Movies are not so far from truth. I saw Gravity recently and it seemed very similar to your space stories: amazing views, planet earth just round the corner and Sandra Bullock was floating exactly like you did. I must say there is a movie that I can criticize. In Star Trek we have never seen anybody floating despite the absence of gravity. Mmmh,  it seems illogic.

Dear Tim Peake, I hope you appreciated my letter for you and I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you again for being such a great inspiration,  thank you for your space stories and your constant smiles. I hope your Russian has improved and maybe you can speak to my builder and see if he is a real builder or just a spy pretending to be an astronaut.

Last thing. Why do you need to learn Russian for a space mission? Do the aliens speak Russian?








Italy follows the trend


In this week comic strips you have a new entry. It is my T-Rex friend Joseph, he is very wise. He tried to give me some emotional support after Italy defeat. He made me think. It seems like nowadays LEAVING is the new trend. Everyday you turn the TV and you hear about someone leaving, a politician, a country, a football team. It is now cool to leave, even more popular than salsa. So write your speech, remember to insert a nice punch line justifying your decision, pack your things and leave, doesn’t matter where you go next, just leave. I recommend Argentina, very nice, and you could learn some tango there.

So Italy followed the trend. Italy is out, but this is not the consequence of a referendum but the consequence of bad luck. C’mon, this penalties thing is not fair. After 90 minutes of hard work plus additional 30 minutes of extra sweat still the game is not over. We are left in the hands of these terrible penalties. We are devastated, our team must score and if it doesn’t we get really angry. I mean really really angry and you’d rather be anything but not that guy who missed the penalty. The worst crime ever. Is this really fair on the footballers? I’d like you to think twice on this, let’s breath deeply and understand their sides as well. Imagine if YOU had to take that penalty, that last action the whole world depends on. How would you feel?

So you are the chosen one to shoot the dreaded penalty. The tension is super high. Your name is called out loud . You stand up, proud and tall, sweating already. You want to show confidence, you know millions of people are watching you, millions of people are trusting you, no pressure. So you  try to make a smile, the best way to hide your emotions. It is a terminator 2 kind of smile, not the best but at least it is a smile. So you get ready for the kick, you concentrate, you make a little quick prayer, you know you can make it, you know you are cool, 3, 2, 1 kick! Did it go through? No, you missed it, big times. So embarrassing, everybody hates you. So where did it go wrong? Let’s rewind it. You were concentrating, you were serious, everything seemed ok apart  from one thing. The moment your foot touched the ball. That second is crucial, you lose concentration, you lose control of the ball. Where was your mind in that precise second? Mmmh, I see. This is the exact moment you thought you need to cut your hair. That’s it, you lost your concentration for a second and the ball went completely out. This is how fragile and volatile a penalty could be. So let’s be less judgemental. In the end these footballers who miss penalties are still humans and even Zaza penalty might have a reason behind. Maybe he was just having a salsa moment, why not? I have heard it is becoming very popular.

See you next week

Love and pees