Dear Tim Peake,
this is a letter for you from me. Welcome back to planet Earth. I’m so happy you landed safely without smashing your space capsule into pieces against the floor. Very good.
My name is Lalla, I am a silly little girl who loves you very much, but my friend Guilner loves you even more and wants to become an astronaut. The problem is he doesn’t speak Russian. I’ve read that learning Russian was your toughest task and you even went to live in a russian family in Moscow to learn the language. How was it? Did you feel like inside a James Bond movie? I had a russian builder decorating my flat recently. He came with another guy and the two together were talking Russian. That made me raise my eyebrow almost immediately. My face turned into a Spock-serious illogical face and a dramatic background music suddenly fell into the scene to emphasize the dramatic moment occurring in that dramatic scene. Why were they talking Russian? Were they astronauts? or maybe russian spies pretending to be astronauts pretending to be builders? I could not stop myself, I had to ask them. Unfortunately they could not understand me. I don’t speak Russian. The mystery is unsolved.
So, how is planet earth after space? The transition must be hard, everything must look so tiny now for you compared to the immensity of the universe. Perhaps wearing some magnifying glasses would help to ease the after-space shock, at least for the first period. I freaked out reading about the size of the universe. Here’s my logical space analysis: mars and milky way are not just chocolates. Mars is also a planet. Milky way is also a galaxy that contains the solar system. Its diameter is about 120,000 light years. A light year is about 9 trillion kilometers. One trillion is about this much: 1,000,000,000,000. So if you multiply that times 120,000 you get a ridiculous number impossible to say because it is too long. This Milky Way Galaxy sounds huge but it is only one small portion of the remaining 200 billions galaxies possibly existing in the universe. Now we understand why the scientist cut the calculations short by saying: the universe is infinite full stop. No more questions are allowed. Our mission to measure the size of the universe is also undermined by another fact. Studies suggest that the universe is expanding, so all the calculations you have made today might be completely different tomorrow, sorry. Maybe we should abandon the ambition of measuring the universe and perhaps take on something more practical like stamp collection or painting. What do you think Tim? maybe we can discuss further face to face, let’s go for a drink, let me know when you are available.
One more thing. I am worried about your health. Was the ICC quarantine regulation applied before entering planet Earth? you know, the 24 hours procedure for decontamination. I’m not being paranoiac, although you look ok you might be infected and suddenly an alien creature might burst from your chest. You think this is just a movie reference? it is a real threat be careful, especially after meals. Movies are not so far from truth. I saw Gravity recently and it seemed very similar to your space stories: amazing views, planet earth just round the corner and Sandra Bullock was floating exactly like you did. I must say there is a movie that I can criticize. In Star Trek we have never seen anybody floating despite the absence of gravity. Mmmh, it seems illogic.
Dear Tim Peake, I hope you appreciated my letter for you and I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you again for being such a great inspiration, thank you for your space stories and your constant smiles. I hope your Russian has improved and maybe you can speak to my builder and see if he is a real builder or just a spy pretending to be an astronaut.
Last thing. Why do you need to learn Russian for a space mission? Do the aliens speak Russian?