The Curse of Sol Invictous

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The Biggest News of Last Year

So, I’m moving from one god, Tool, to another one, Faith No More. This is a very sensitive subject for me, I don’t know if I will have enough strength to complete this article without falling into tears. So Faith No more have finally released the very long awaited album, Sol Invictous.  We had to wait 18 years for this. We should now have one minute of silence to fully understand the hugeness of this event. 18 years, I repeat, 18 years. This is even worse than Tool new album. Just realized that, since history repeats itself, we could perhaps assume that also Tool will release their new album after 18 years. So from 2006 album 10,000 days we add 18 years equals 2024, so still 8 years to wait. I like my calculations, they really do make sense.

So back to Faith No More. I know Sol Invictous is not really breaking news,  I did do the comic strips last year when it actually came out and it was then the news of the year  but at that time I did not have the blog. So I thought to post it anyway with retro-effect. I can’t live without underlining the hugeness of this event and write a proper article about it. We have all loved Sol Invictous, and we will always love Faith No More for ever and ever. Doesn’t matter if we get old, if the music changes, new trends, new instruments, alien invasions or ice age. Faith No More will always be in our heart, they will never age. This is because they are in our blood, we grew up with them, they were our shelter. Everything could go wrong, it did not matter, we had Faith No More, we had Angel Dust. I need another one minute of silence because this moment is too dramatic.

Everybody tried to copy Faith No More but nobody ever managed to be as cool. Never. Just consequences of the main force. They are the precursors of everything, including the Big Bang.  No musicians should ever be respected if they cannot list all songs of Angel Dust in order of appearance. Once I went to Alice in Chains concert. I was wearing my Tool T-shirt. As you know, the T-shirt you wear is very important. I then saw a guy wearing an Angel Dust t-shirt. We stopped. We looked into each other eyes, very deeply and very seriously. We bowed down as a sign of reciprocal respect. We then gradually walked away from each other stepping backwards, without turning our back to each other. This was a sign of extremely deep respect.

Thank you Faith No more. I now need another one minute of silence.

Angel Dust be with us always and for ever. Amen.

Lalla

10 reasons why Tool new album is not out yet

Ok, so we are all fed up with this endless Tool new album wait. It is painful. 10 YEARS since the last one, 10,000 Days, and still nothing. Is it about time that we gave up on Tool? Maynard, give us a sign if you can. You might be enjoying your wine and having fun touring with Puscifer but we are not. We are still here, damned souls wandering in this purgatory of endless wait.

And since I can’t rest my mind thinking why why and why this album is not out yet, I thought to release the stress by trying to solve this mystery myself. Here are the 10 possible reasons why Tool new album is not out yet:

Reason 1: Tool don’t exist. They are just a data inserted in our mind. In fact we are not humans, we are robots programmed to wait for tool new album.

Reason 2: According to an old American Indian legend, Tool last album is the way to find out  Tool new album releasing date. The clue is in the title: 10,000 days. This is not just the title of the album but it is the secret code for Tool new album release date. So let’s start the calculations: 10,00 days are 27 years. The album was released in 2006, so 10 years ago. So if we deduct 10 years already gone from the total  of 27 years waiting time we are left with 17 years  still to wait. And that means, ladies and gentlemen, that I can, right here, right now, tell you the exact release day we have been waiting for. Ladies and gentlemen, I can proudly and finally announce that Tool new album will be released on: 10th October 2033.

Reason 3: Tool are dead and we don’t know. The Tool we see are just puppets that replace Tool’s dead bodies, like Norman Bates mother in Psycho. This is a conspiracy. So if you see Maynard don’t be a fool and fall in the trap, it is not Maynard. It is just a puppet made in the shape of Maynard. In fact if you pinch him with a needle you will be shocked to notice how, so called Maynard, would not show any sign of pain. This is because it is just a puppet. In such a situation Tool cannot work on the new album.

Reason 4: The God of perfection voted Lateralus the most perfect album ever in the history of albums. It is impossible to create a better album so Tool have lost motivation and fell into deep depression. They don’t care about anything anymore. They even  tried to kill themselves many times. In such a situation Tool cannot work on the new album.

Reason 5: Maynard drinks too much wine so he is drunk all the time and does not understand anything. He can’t even stand up for more than 2 minutes. He tried ones the yoga Tree pose standing on one leg and lost the balance straightaway. He smashed his face against the bathroom floor and broke  a few teeth. In such a situation Tool cannot work on the new album.

Reason 6: Adam Jones was attacked buy one of his puppets and was eaten alive. Tool are missing the guitarist and are very depressed for the sudden and dramatic loss. In such a situation Tool cannot work on the new album.

Reason 7: Tool started Ashtanga yoga classes and became totally committed. The hard training made them lose lots of weight, gradually becoming so thin that they disappeared. In such a situation Tool cannot work on the new album.

Reason 8: The Bad Witch of the West transformed Tool in actual Tools. Danny Carey is now a hammer, Adam Jones is a screwdriver, Maynard is a corkscrew  and Justin Chancellor is a drill. These new shapes allow very limited movement. In such a situation Tool cannot work on the new album.

Reason 9: Tool have been kidnapped and they are now prisoners in a deserted island, somewhere in the middle of the Pacific ocean. The ransom has been sent out to their relatives but they could not care less. They are still prisoners and don’t have any food or instruments to play. In such a situation Tool cannot work on the new album.

Reason 10 (most possible one): Danny Carrey has found a sacred geometrical shape that, under the light of a full moon, opened the door to a parallel universe where people walk with their hands and wear hats on their feet. Tool are trapped in this universe and cannot come back. In such a situation Tool cannot work on the new album.

So, hope you have found my list helpful somehow. You can vote your favorite one or even add you own reason. But still the new album is not out, yet. Maybe in 2033.

Tool, give us a sign.

Regards

Lalla