10 reasons why Tool new album is not out yet

Ok, so we are all fed up with this endless Tool new album wait. It is painful. 10 YEARS since the last one, 10,000 Days, and still nothing. Is it about time that we gave up on Tool? Maynard, give us a sign if you can. You might be enjoying your wine and having fun touring with Puscifer but we are not. We are still here, damned souls wandering in this purgatory of endless wait.

And since I can’t rest my mind thinking why why and why this album is not out yet, I thought to release the stress by trying to solve this mystery myself. Here are the 10 possible reasons why Tool new album is not out yet:

Reason 1: Tool don’t exist. They are just a data inserted in our mind. In fact we are not humans, we are robots programmed to wait for tool new album.

Reason 2: According to an old American Indian legend, Tool last album is the way to find out  Tool new album releasing date. The clue is in the title: 10,000 days. This is not just the title of the album but it is the secret code for Tool new album release date. So let’s start the calculations: 10,00 days are 27 years. The album was released in 2006, so 10 years ago. So if we deduct 10 years already gone from the total  of 27 years waiting time we are left with 17 years  still to wait. And that means, ladies and gentlemen, that I can, right here, right now, tell you the exact release day we have been waiting for. Ladies and gentlemen, I can proudly and finally announce that Tool new album will be released on: 10th October 2033.

Reason 3: Tool are dead and we don’t know. The Tool we see are just puppets that replace Tool’s dead bodies, like Norman Bates mother in Psycho. This is a conspiracy. So if you see Maynard don’t be a fool and fall in the trap, it is not Maynard. It is just a puppet made in the shape of Maynard. In fact if you pinch him with a needle you will be shocked to notice how, so called Maynard, would not show any sign of pain. This is because it is just a puppet. In such a situation Tool cannot work on the new album.

Reason 4: The God of perfection voted Lateralus the most perfect album ever in the history of albums. It is impossible to create a better album so Tool have lost motivation and fell into deep depression. They don’t care about anything anymore. They even  tried to kill themselves many times. In such a situation Tool cannot work on the new album.

Reason 5: Maynard drinks too much wine so he is drunk all the time and does not understand anything. He can’t even stand up for more than 2 minutes. He tried ones the yoga Tree pose standing on one leg and lost the balance straightaway. He smashed his face against the bathroom floor and broke  a few teeth. In such a situation Tool cannot work on the new album.

Reason 6: Adam Jones was attacked buy one of his puppets and was eaten alive. Tool are missing the guitarist and are very depressed for the sudden and dramatic loss. In such a situation Tool cannot work on the new album.

Reason 7: Tool started Ashtanga yoga classes and became totally committed. The hard training made them lose lots of weight, gradually becoming so thin that they disappeared. In such a situation Tool cannot work on the new album.

Reason 8: The Bad Witch of the West transformed Tool in actual Tools. Danny Carey is now a hammer, Adam Jones is a screwdriver, Maynard is a corkscrew  and Justin Chancellor is a drill. These new shapes allow very limited movement. In such a situation Tool cannot work on the new album.

Reason 9: Tool have been kidnapped and they are now prisoners in a deserted island, somewhere in the middle of the Pacific ocean. The ransom has been sent out to their relatives but they could not care less. They are still prisoners and don’t have any food or instruments to play. In such a situation Tool cannot work on the new album.

Reason 10 (most possible one): Danny Carrey has found a sacred geometrical shape that, under the light of a full moon, opened the door to a parallel universe where people walk with their hands and wear hats on their feet. Tool are trapped in this universe and cannot come back. In such a situation Tool cannot work on the new album.

So, hope you have found my list helpful somehow. You can vote your favorite one or even add you own reason. But still the new album is not out, yet. Maybe in 2033.

Tool, give us a sign.

Regards

Lalla

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